The Thing About Being a Man

Growing up as a boy was super exciting! Playing with other boys had an electrifying feel to it. We sought out adventures and intrigues together and made so many discoveries. It is no secret that when boys get together, they do the silliest things and many times, the most dangerous things; all in the pursuit of fun of course. Truth is, a small part of that boy remains even when boyhood is long left behind, and one comes into being a full-grown man.

However, over time the enduring question has been, “When does one become a man?” That question has remained an unanswered riddle lodged deeply in the minds of all men with the passage of several generations. Over time, becoming a man has been increasingly subjective to factors such as influence of one’s father, grandfather or some other patron or, faith, generational trends, culture, one’s mental and psychological make up and sometimes, even events considered life changing. Hence, being a man means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

I have often found myself wondering what kind of man I would want to be and how to go about it. My own father definitely had his ideas about being a man. First of all, he was determined to be different from his own father. The course of his life and all it entailed, had a concise, calculated and very deliberate goal of taking a different bearing, approach to life from his father. It could then be said that, the man my father turned out to be, was in fact greatly influenced by what he considered misdeeds by his own father’s style and conduct.

Secondly, he read a lot and interacted even more with people from all walks of life so, to a large extent he was very educated. That education afforded yet another perspective to him on who a man was. Coming in contact with people both in person and through books, opened a window to him that provided a view into how all those other men saw their roles as men, understood those said roles and how that impacted the way they lived as men. My dad was never ashamed to learn or even unlearn. In fact, one of the many lessons he taught me was to always be teachable.

The influence of a mix of faith, culture and societal norms also helped to shape the man he was. He would always tell me that a man must always go the extra mile to ensure that his family was well taken care of. For him that was the hallmark of being a man. Anything short of that, was an example of how not to be a man.

Still, everyone grapples with their own realities and all that it entails to be a man at any given period in time. While pages could be borrowed from all who came before us, the fact remains that those experiences, as valid and as proper as they are, would need to be re-evaluated and perhaps modified, to be used in future times.

Furthermore, in our present day and age, it might seem that to be considered a man, one would need to present a tough exterior. Sometimes that means the ability to hide hurt, withstand pain and always, always be impregnable to emotions that “makes one look weak”, at all times! In many ways, it means a man must never be caught crying. Apparently, those who put forth that theory did so despite the obvious fact that men too are subject to feelings of emotions, biologically capable of crying and can get hurt just as much as their female counterparts — who just so happen, are excused to cry, no questions asked.

Today across the world (using social media interactions to measure trends), one trait fast becoming a determinant in defining who a man is, is one’s ability to care less about the women he becomes romantically involved with. You see, it isn’t possible to “be a man”, and yet be vulnerable by loving another human so passionately, to the point one is able to share in her pains and all other accompanying emotions most intimate to an individual. At least, that is the idea embodied by our youth trying to earn their stripes as men. This idea is fast becoming a wave even as it is openly evangelized by our entertainment industries through movies and lifestyle of some of our celebrity idols. But does one really have to go through the pains of proving he has no attachments nor the ability to care, to be a man?

Now more than ever before, the question of who a man really is, needs an urgent answer. We are at a crucial point historically where things have gotten really bad. There has been a surge in the number of rape cases, a spike in police brutality, there are more and more women in relationships going through abuse by their partners, even more remain unsure of the affections of their partners because, those men by succumbing to the ideology that vulnerability to their loved ones signifies weakness, have succeeded in fostering distance where it doesn’t belong.

So who is a man?

I submit that a man is one who defines his strength by how much he can do for those not strong enough. He is one who comes to the realization that manliness is neither defined by emotional breakdown nor the lack of it, it is more importantly, defined by learning how best to deal with one’s personal pain, loss or even wins. Thereafter, having the courage to exercise that God-given right of expression, no matter what others might have to say.

In her commencement speech for the class of 2020, Beyoncé put it best, “…lean into your vulnerability and redefine your masculinity”. We need more men who are willing to break away from the fine notions handed down to us on who or what a man should be. We need men who are brave enough to bare it all and redefine what it means to be strong and yet gentle, to possess power and yet to possess empathy, to love truly and not shy away from the mushy feelings inherent. That in my opinion, is what we must all learn ourselves, and afterwards, pass on to those coming after us as virtues to be imbibed by those who must become men.